The past, the present & the urge for action

Time seems to change its nature for people like me. I leave home while most of Malaysia is still deep in slumber and I return home when most of Malaysia is again deep in slumber. The present hardly exists. I sit in the clinic from dusk to dawn and feel the absence, the absence of feeling and sensation separating the present from the past. Even news of the happenings in the country and around the world has a certain dreamlike unreality and immobility. Unlike the present, the past can be visualized by one as a paradigm filled with stillness, an everlasting stillness. Unlike the present, the past never changes. It remains the past for eternity, like a painted picture as some say. Carved in stone, the past is never affected by the storms of time and the conflicts of the present. It maintains its dignity and repose and creates a feeling of peacefulness and security to the mind that ponders on it.

As the world moves ahead in lightning speed, here I am seated torn between the urge to action and the need to put bread on the table. Being unable to act on my urge for change, i very much long to find some form of sustenance for my starved and locked up emotions. Much injustice is happening around me and all I can do is sit and bitch about it. Have I become a prisoner of the past?

I do not usually burden my mind with such philosophical/metaphysical problems which escape solution. It is usually action and the thought of action that fills me and when action is denied I imagine that I am preparing for action. Day in day out I travel through my mind the passages of change and revolution.

There was a time, prior to the March 8^th GE, when I lived for considerable periods in a state of emotional exaltation, wrapped up in the action that absorbed me. Those days seem far away now, not merely because of the passage of time, but far more so because of bread and butter issues. Even now, the call for action stirs strange depths within me, and often a brief tussle with thought. I seek to experience that Adrenaline rush once again, though many invisible barriers have grown around me. Many have cautioned me of my wishes as they might just come true. Here's me saying cheers to that.

God save this nation and her children.